As many of you know, Seth and I have been engaged since September of 2019 and had our wedding date set for May 1, 2020. Due to the COVID-19 crisis, our wedding has officially been postponed until May 30th, and even that date can’t be certain. If I’m being honest, I have been avoiding dealing with this whole thing emotionally. It’s been absolutely draining. But I was recently talking with a friend about the whole wedding/pandemic issue and she said something that encouraged me right when I was needing it. She said, “I hope you’re writing, Joc. I enjoy reading the process.”
It reminded me that even in these times, writing about what I’m going through is meaningful. It’s important. That I don’t always have to wait until I’ve completely conquered something to tell my story.
So, here it is.
A bride-to-be’s take on COVID-19.
I will never forget the day Seth proposed to me in Italy during one of the most incredible trips of my life. It was at sunset, on the water and I remember feeling so thankful, so loved. If you would have told me then that in just a few short months countries all over the world would be shut down and we would be confined to our homes for weeks on end, I would have definitely married Seth sooner.. lol.
When we got home from Europe, all of the wedding madness immediately began. Everyone had questions. When is the special day? Have you picked a venue? What kind of flowers are you going to have? Food? What kind of dress do you want? Have you asked your bridesmaids yet? You really need to make a registry, and a website! You haven’t sent your save the dates out yet?!?!
Now, for most girls my age, the answers would have been readily available the second someone asked, and you could find all of the details down to the toenail polish of each bridesmaid on their Pinterest board. As much as I wish I could be that organized and prepared, it’s just not who I am. Before I started dating Seth, I had come to peace with the fact that I didn’t think I was made to love someone forever. I was never the kind of girl who dreamed of her wedding day.
…but then God gave me Seth. So flawlessly, so perfectly on time, there he was. This guy who had been one of my absolute best friends for 2 years was interrupting our regularly scheduled Planet Earth binge watching sessions to be like, “Hey, I think I have feelings for you.” And well, the rest is history. I couldn’t imagine my life without someone for the first time ever. Suddenly, there was this person that I trusted with absolutely everything, knew everything about me and still willingly chose me everyday. Not out of obligation or an unhealthy emotional or physical connection, but truly because we adored each other. I saw Jesus in him. In the way he carried himself, treated others, loved his mom, looked up to his dad. Everything about him was what I wanted in my life. Being around him every single day was the easiest thing in the world for me to do, which was monumental for those of us who need “space” from people 10 minutes in to hanging out.
So now, here I am helplessly in love with the person I truly believe God made for me. And then we got engaged, YAY! And then we planned a wedding, YAY! I remember I had such a hard time choosing our wedding date because again, I had never given these things much thought. I remember mumbling “maybe a fall wedding would be nice?” and Seth so immediately said “Please do not make me wait that long to marry you.” (cue the “awww”s from the crowd).
Okay SO, here I am, needing to solidify a wedding date to get the ball rolling, when my mom suggested May 1st, 2020. Not only was this a cheaper option due to it being on a Friday, (praise hands for budgeting and being smart with our money) but it’s also my Nana’s birthday.
If you know anything about me at all, you know that my Nana is hands down my favorite person on the planet. If you know her, you love her. She is everything you can imagine when you picture the most adorable, kind hearted grandmother. She wears nightgowns as casual wear, has white hair, and frequents phrases such as “bless your heart” and “Lord willing”. To her core, she’s good. She loves the Lord, which has inspired me my whole life but more than that, she truly loves people. All people, all the time. I hope to become a person that would make her proud. So, you can imagine that I was elated to have my wedding day on her birthday. I had so many ideas of how I would be able to celebrate her that night, and couldn’t wait to share our day with someone so incredibly special to me.
Then, as we know, the Coronavirus struck.
There’s no way around this fact: what’s happening to our world is incredibly inconvenient. People are out of jobs, parents everywhere are losing their cool one homeschooling session at a time, major life events are being cancelled and postponed, you name it. However, if all this pandemic has been in your life is an inconvenience, you are so blessed. Yes, blessed in the midst of a pandemic. Some people are sick, some are losing family members and are dealing with the heaviness of knowing their loved one died in a hospital alone. Then comes the funerals where no one can even show up. Nothing is the same. Everything right now seems to be uncertain.
The day we had to make the decision to postpone our wedding feels like a blur. I knew it was coming deep down after my bachelorette weekend was cancelled, then my shower.. I knew I didn’t really have a choice. We had a small window to make the decision for May 30th being our new date that would allow us to keep the same details, so we took it. In the grand scheme of things, our issue seems incredibly small and honestly, it is. There were definitely emotions that came once the decision was final. I instantly went from being only a few weeks away from Seth being my husband and moving into the same home together, to it being pushed back to over 8 weeks away. It’s not significant ultimately, because we’ll have a lifetime together. In the moment, it was a lot. But I knew we made the right decision.
Any bride who’s had to postpone her wedding, mama-to-be who’s had to postpone a baby shower, or any person whose events have been affected by this knows that even though our minor events aren’t a big deal in the grand scheme of what’s going on, it still stings. It’s still a let down. It still hurts to have to let go of expectations.
Even still, I made a choice to change my perspective. Does this freaking suck? Yes. For sure. 100%. While it would be easy to focus on my problems and my major life events being altered by this pandemic, I can’t help but think of the much greater problems happening around me. The people who are hurting, grieving a loss, who are sick, who are stuck in abusive households during the quarantine, the list goes on.
Now, do I know for sure that Seth and I will be able to have our wedding on May 30th? Nope. Does that stress me out to no end? You bet.
BUT – Here’s how I’m choosing to look at it:
I still get to marry the man that exceeds all expectations.
I now get to have one extra month of being Seth’s fiancé, which is a title I’ve loved having so much!
The day I finally marry him will be even MORE special, because I’ve waited even longer than anticipated. I seriously can’t wait. I mean, I can and I am because I have to but… ya know, I can’t wait!!!
My Nana will still be at my wedding, and I still have her here to celebrate every day. What a treasure. For that alone, I’m so thankful.
I will still have everyone there that I love to celebrate with us on our special day, whenever that may be.
I have extra time to get my house ready for Seth to move in. The Lord KNEW. He KNEW I needed more time to clean out my closet!!
I think of Seth’s mom (maaaaybe his dad too, who would never show it. lol), who is going through a lot of change as her baby takes on a new chapter in life. She has extra time to spend with him, and knowing the joy that brings her mama heart makes me happy.
I have a little more time before I lay down the Joines name and take on a new name. This is a small detail that I feel like most people don’t talk about. It’s such a strange transition that you feel so excited for but yet nervous about at the same time. I was always a huge Daddy’s girl, and having the same last name as him makes me still feel like his little girl somehow. I’ve loved being a Joines. I’m proud to be a Joines. But I also am so ready to be Mrs. Caruso at the same time.
There is hope, even now. Even in the middle of a pandemic, even in the midst of uncharted territory where uncertainty can cause paralyzing fear.
This is what I know for sure: Perfect love drives out fear.
Wherever you are in life, however you’re being affected by what’s happening in our world right now, know this: God is still going to work it out for your good. He’s still going to make a way. And whatever it is, will be even better than you could have imagined. There is still light, even in the darkness.
You were made for this! Believe it.